How Does It Feel
by xBroken Inside
Summary: Ellie Nash has an addiction, she has convinced everyone it is away, but can her lies become reality, when things are taken to far, and when only one person can help her, will she accept the guidance? R&R! Please. And go easy on me. I suck at summaries
1. Introduction

**introduction.**  
  
Ellie Nash wasn't you're typical high school girl. For one, she lived in Canada, and attended a Community School with hundreds of other students, because at the last minute 2 years ago, they decided to close down Degrassi High School. Anyway, Miss Ellie Nash had a problem, a very serious problem I might add. To put it in simple words for you, she was a cutter. But the one person, who you would least expect to find out, and be scared about it, was Miss Popularity herself, Paige Michaelchuk. Ellie was so angry with her when she found out she had told Miss Suave, but at the same time, I guess relieved. So it's been a little over 7 months since Ellie had gotten her therapy. She tends to keep to herself more, but at least she isn't cutting anymore.

Right...?


	2. Chapter One

**chapter one.**  
  
Ellie Nash sat at her computer desk trying to finish her Geometry homework from the night before. 'Who is going to use the Pythageoren Theorem when they are older and out of High School?' She whispered to herself. She started to scribble down any little answer, since she really didn't care what she got on the assignment, she didn't care much for anything anymore. She grabbed her bag, foled up her book, and placed it in her bookbag, so that she wouldn't forget to do it in the morning. Ellie got up and walked over to her bookcase, and pulled out her journal, that was hidden under stacks of books, so that her mother wouldn't find it, and find out how her daughter is really doing. Ellie retrieved her journal, and threw it on her desk, and sat back down. She opened it to the next clean page, and began to write.  
  
**Dear Journal**,  
  
_Guess how my day went!?! Absolutely great! I am so better, today was my last session with Miss Suave. Victory is mine! I have beat the illness.  
  
Hah. Who am I kidding...I'm doing so horrible. Today in English class, I just wanted to breakdown and cry, in front of everyone, I didn't care, nothing really matters. But I just can't let anyone notice, just put on a happy face, and act like you did before you addiction happened. I juist hope no one, paid close mind to it, and noticed the unvisible.  
  
Oh crap, I forgot, I have to write a poem about how I feel everyday, for that dumb class. What am I saying, English isn't a dumb class. But I think the assignment is dumb. Maybe I should just re-write one of the poems that I wrote in here? Ah, whatever. Well, I'm going to go now.  
  
Until Next Time,  
  
Ellie Nash  
_  
Ellie placed her pen back into her pen-holder, and hid her journal under her matress in her room. She tends to hide it in different places, so if her mom sees it one day, and decides to look at it when she is sobered up, it won't be in the same place. She walked over to her closet, and pulled out a pair of pajama bottoms, and her long-sleeved gray shirt, that she wore to bed, and threw them on. When she was finished, she walked into her bathroom, and brushed her teeth, and walked over to her bed, and laid down. She was staring up at the ceiling, she tended to do that from night to night, just thinking about the horrible things that had happened to her that day. Ellie didn't really realize that it was only 8:30 at night, and she was already in bed. _'Well I guess, I'll just have more time to think about nothing.' _She thought. Ellie placed her hands behind her head, and closed her eyes for a bit.  
  
She opened her eyes about 5 minutes later. _'Why can't I just be unhappy, and have people treat me the way they used to before they knew anything about me? Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why can't anyone leave me alone? Why do I have to lie, and act like I'm happy, when I'm really not...'_ Ellie thought, and felt tears swell up in her eyes. _'Why does everything have to be so messed up...?'_ She started to cry, at this point. So she screamed. She screamed so loud she woke the neighbours baby up. Luckily her mom was out drinking with a couple of her friends, so she wouldn't come stumbling half way up the stairs, just to see what's wrong. Something Ellie just snapped, and she needed to release her anger. And that was the only way she knew how to do it, other than cutting. Which didn't seem like such a bad idea at the time.  
  
Ellie got up, and walked over to her dresser, and opened up the last drawer, and ramanged through her things, until she stumbled upon her compass. It was the only thing Ellie had ever used. Suprising to her no one had taken it away from her. She walked over to her bed, and sat down, indian-style, on it. She rooled up her sleeve, and placed the end of her compass, and her pale white skin, she started to cut, deeply, very deep, and blood started to quickly release from her left arm  
  
She was interupted by her telephone ringing. So she hurried up and got her washcloth and pressed hard on her new opened wound, and she saw the blood quickly start to appear on the other end of the cloth. She felt a little dizzy, but she answered the phone anyways.

"Hello?" She asked, still kind of dizzy, but most of it had gone away.   
  
"Hi...is this Ellie?" the person on the other line said, their voice sounded utterly familiar yet she couldn't identify it just yet.  
  
"Yeah. May I ask who this is?" she asked still teary eyed. And tried to clean up her voice, so the person on the other line couldn't tell.  
  
"Hey El, hun. It's Paige."


	3. Chapter Two

**chapter two.  
**  
Ellie was stunned. 'Why the hell is Paige calling me for?' she thought. "Paige...?" she asked suprised into the reciever.  
  
"Yeah...What you shocked that I called you?" Paige asked.  
  
"Actually. Yes."  
  
"Well, uh...yeah."  
  
"Well...why are you calling me?" Ellie asked. Kind of impatient, she wasn't really dizzy anymore. Which was good, but the blood was still seeping (sp?) through her washcloth. "Damnit..!" she whispered to herself.  
  
"What did you say?" Paige asked, questionably.  
  
"Uh...nothing." Ellie managed to say. "So why did you call?"  
  
"I don't want to sound corny, or big-sisterish. Because I know we aren't that close, but..." Paige started to say. But Ellie sort of interupted her.  
  
"But...?"  
  
"I just wanted to see how you were doing, you seem kind of, depressed at school..."  
  
"Well, I'm not, so drop it." Ellie was inches away from hanging up the phone, when she heard Paige's muffled voice on the other end.  
  
"Wait...!" she said.  
  
Ellie placed the phone reciever back up to her ear, not expecting that. Or maybe Paige didn't like being hung up on, so she wanted to do a proper good-bye, or maybe hang up on Ellie. "What do you want Paige?" she asked rudely. Ellie hadn't realized that her arm was still bleeding. And badly. She felt a little woozy, but nothing more. The blood on Ellie's left arm was soaking through her cloth, turning it a dark red. "Paige...I uh, I really have to go, uh...something's wrong." Ellie hurried to say. "With my mother....something's wrong with my mother." Ellie lied into the phone. She waited for Paige's response.   
  
"Ellie, you're lying." Paige said. "If something is wrong with your mother, I'm coming over to help."  
  
"No! Don't. It's fine. Everything is fine." And hung up the phone.  
  
...............................................................  
  
Paige hung up after she had heard the dial tone. She didn't trust what Ellie had said, so she gathered up her things, and rushed over to Ellie's place. She could tell in her voice, something was wrong. And it wasn't her mother. She passed a few people on the way, including Jimmy and Hazel, but she blew them off. She ran into Spinner, also. And tried to get away, and hurry to Ellie's. But Spinner stopped her.  
  
"Paige! Wait!" Spinner yelled, running up to her, and trying to catch his breath as he finally caught up with her.  
  
"What, Spinner!?" Paige yelled back, a little teary eyed. "I'm...I'm sorry." Spinner grabbed her, and pulled her into a hug.  
  
"What's the matter?" he asked.  
  
"I think something is wrong with Ellie, and I need to hurry up and get to her house before something bad happens..." she said all in one breath.  
  
"Well...then why aren't you driving there?"  
  
"Because my mom has her van, and Dylan is on a date with Marco." Paige said. "I have to hurry, I need to hurry." and started to run off, again.  
  
"I'm coming with you. Let's go." Spinner said, and ran off with her.  
  
...............................................................  
  
Ellie couldn't stop the bleeding, and she wasn't feeling to hot. She felt like she was about to pass out. Just then she heard the doorbell ring. "Damnit." Ellie whispered to herself. She gathered herself up, and tried to get down the stairs. She really felt like she was going to pass out. And she did. She tumbled down the stairs, and didn't feel a thing as she was unconcious.  
  
"Oh my God! Ellie!! Ellie!" Paige yelled form the other side of the door. "Oh my God. El, hun! Ellie, open the door!" Paige started to feel more tears swell up in her eyes, and she let one steal its way down her cheek. She tried to open the door, but it was locked. "Spinner go see if the back door is open." Spinner just stood there. "Sipnner go!" As she hit him in the stomach he jumped back to reality, and ran as fast as he could. But Paige found a window open, and decided to climb through it. It was small, but she fit. When she got through the window, she saw Ellie laying passed out on the ground at the foot of the staircase. "Oh my God..." she whispered, and ran to her. Spinner saw Paige inside, and rushed to the window she climbed through, and went through it also.   
  
"Is she okay?" he asked. And Paige just looked up at him.  
  
"Quick, call the hospital." Paige and Spinner both caught a glimpse of Ellie's left arm, and saw the deepened wound, and the cloth in her right hand. Paige started to cry even more. Spinner even felt some tears in his eyes, and he barely even talked to Ellie, but just the mere thought of her hurting herself, and went to far, and this is how she ended up, just kind of got to him. "Spinner! Call!" Paige yelled at him.  
  
Within 2 minutes Paige had tried to stop the bleeding, but it just kept flowing, and Spinner had returned. About 30 seconds later, they heard the sirens, and Spinner, opened the door, and let the paramedics in.  
  
"What happened here?" One of the paramedics asked.  
  
Paige and Spinner looked at each other.  
  
"Ellie!! Ellie!! What's wrong!? What happened here!! Someone answer me, and do it now!!" someone yelled from the foot of the door, staring down at Ellie. It was her mother. 


	4. Chapter Three

chapter three.  
  
Mrs. Nash rushed over to be by her daughters side. "Will someone please tell me what happened!" she demanded. Paige and Spinner looked at each other and then back to Mrs. Nash. "Paige...? Spinner...? Please tell me what happened." she asked again. Just as Paige was about to speak, the paramedic answered for her.  
"You're daughter has lost a lot of blood, mostly coming from her left arm, seems to appear something has cut her deeply." Mrs. Nash looked appaulded, she didn't know what to say. She knew her daughter was having problems with self-mutalation, but she thought she was over it. "Do you know what might have done this?"  
"You need to get her to a hospital now!! She can't die!" Paige yelled.  
"Sweetheart she is going to be okay, we are just going to take her to the hospital to get some blood work done." the paramedic said.  
"What? You are going to take her to the hospital to get more blood taken? Hasn't she lost enough already!?" Spinner yelled at them.  
"Son...please, we know what we are doing. We are trained professionals." the paramedic said. "Do you know of any way this might have happened?"  
"Um...she is...or was...is...a cutter..." Paige said. Mrs. Nash looked at her.  
"How did you know that...?" she whispered.  
  
A/N: Sorry that it is really really really really short, but I couldn't think of anything else. And sorry it took so long to update. 


	5. Chapter Four

chapter four.  
  
"I uh...she...um..." Paige started to spat out. "A couple months ago, I caught her cutting in the girls' washroom, I comfronted her about it, but she just blew me off. So I told Miss Suave, hoping she could help. And I thought she did...until a few weeks ago..." Paige felt tears built up in her eyes once more.  
"Why...what happened a few weeks ago!?" Mrs. Nash yelled, almost falling to the ground.  
The paramedic, broke up the mild argument between the two. "Hey! We need to get her to the hospital now! Are you going to ride in the ambulance with her?" he asked, directing his attention to Ellie's mom. She nodded. "Okay, what is your relation to the victim, may I ask?"  
"I'm her mother."  
"Well can you please come with us."  
Mrs. Nash nodded. "Here kids...take my car, and follow the ambulance. Please" she said, tossing Spinner the keys.  
Paige and Spinner watched as they rolled Ellie off on the gurny and as her mother sobbed following. "Oh my God..." Paige whispered. Spinner looked. "I have to call Sean, he should know what happened..." Paige grabbed her cell phone out of her bag and dialed Sean's number.  
"Hello?" Sean said on the other line.  
"Sean...there's been an accident, Ellie's in the hospital..." Paige trailed.  
"WHAT!? Wha...how'd this happened? What happened!?" he practically screamed on the other end.  
"Meet Spinner and I at the hospital. We'll explain there." Paige clicked the phone off.  
With that Spinner and Paige left the house of Ellies', and jumped into her mothers car. And followed the ambulance. The car ride to the hospital was quiet except for the ocassional sobs that you heard from Paige, and even Spinner. They reached the hospital within minutes, and Paige parked the car and they locked it and ran to the entrance. They saw Mrs. Nash running in after the gurny, that Ellie was laying on. SO they decided to follow.  
Spinner saw Sean, and went over to him, Sean had his arms folded in a worried manner. Sean watched as the rolled Ellie along. Paige could see tears swell up in his eyes. 'Looks like Mr. Tough Guy, isn't so tough anymore...' Paige thought. "Are you okay, Sean?" she asked.  
"Am I okay!? Am I okay!?" Sean bursts out. "I find out my girlfriend is in the hospital, because she cuts herself! I'm sorry, if I don't seem okay!" Sean yelled. He felt the tears fall repreatedly down his cheeks. Paige goes to hugs him, but he pulls away.  
"I'm sorry..." Paige said.  
"I want to go see her." Sean said.  
"You can't." Mrs. Nash said from behind. Sean, Paige, and Spinner, turned around, concerned.  
"Why not!?" Sean said.  
"Because, she is unconcious, and the doctor said she might not make it because she has lost a lot of blood." Mrs. Nash said. She wiped away the tears that had fallen. "The doctor said she might not make it..." Mrs. Nash couldn't handle it, and she collapsed on the floor, and started sobbing hysterically.  
"Mrs. Nash! Mrs. Nash! Are you okay?!" Spinner asked. As all three ran to be at her side. 


	6. Authors Note

Authors note!! I want to thank my new found friend Ale Curtis-Carter for helping me out with Chapter 4! And I want to thank her for also giving me some ideas for chapter 5. Thanks a bunch!! And I want to thnka all of your that reviewed me story, I appreciate it. Chapter Five should be coming up in about a week! Or sooner!! 


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